*This list was originally created to assist bishops understand pornography addiction and how it affects both spouses. It can be used and adapted to help anyone having greater understanding.
#1 MYTH: The more we talk about pornography, the more we will create curiosity.
TRUTH: Addiction thrives in secrecy and shame. The more we talk about pornography, the more we take away the shame. Talking about pornography and its effects is often is the number one way to fight back against it.
#2 MYTH: The wife’s role is to help her husband. (Or husband’s role if it is the wife who is struggling with addiction)
TRUTH: The wife needs her own healing. Both need to rely on the Lord and find strength. When each is stronger, they can then be a support to each other.
#3 MYTH: Sexual addiction and acting out decrease with age.
TRUTH: Once an addiction has been established, those desires will continue, no matter the age without active work to rewire the brain. Men and women can battle sexual addiction all the way until they are 100 and beyond.
#4 MYTH: When the man comes out and confesses, most of the information is out there.
TRUTH: Addicts have spent many years hiding their addiction and trying to forget their sexual misbehaviors. A more common occurrence is what we call the “dribble effect.” Information tends to dribble out over time. Sometimes it is over a few days, sometimes a few weeks, in some cases it can last for years. A good rule of thumb is for the first few visits to ask the addict if they have thought of anything else they need to confess to.
#5 MYTH: If the husband stops acting out, the wife will get better.
TRUTH: The wife has her own healing that must take place. Often time men get better and the wife still struggles. She needs the atonement just as much as the husband does.
#6 MYTH: The wife cannot share his husbands story because it is not hers to share.
TRUTH: The wife has her own story to share. While she should be careful and prayerful who she reaches out to, she has her own story that needs heard and validated. Finding a support group who understands and is able to provide healthy resources and support is beneficial in her healing.
#7 MYTH: Having more sex will help him not act out
TRUTH: No matter how much sex he has, this desire to act out will not be quenched. He could have sex multiple times a day and still struggle with the desire to look at pornography.
#8 MYTH: Separation for a couple is a bad idea and leads to divorce
TRUTH: Sometimes, the best thing a couple can do is separate while both find healing. Boundaries teach the addict that this behavior is no longer accepted, and the space allows him to find his Savior instead of relying on his spouse. The space also allows the spouse who was victimized room to heal. If both are working to heal the marriage, separation can help them both to heal quicker. This decision needs to be prayerful, and involving a therapist can be beneficial.
#9 MYTH: People who look at child pornography are bad people.
TRUTH: No one starts out by looking at child pornography. Addictions are progressive. Good men and women can be lured from something almost innocent to later looking at child pornography. We need to remember that this is a sickness. They are sick not perverted. As with all addictions, we recommend the addict get support and help. The further the addiction has progressed, the more outside assistance is recommended. This includes a support group, a sponsor/mentor, therapy, and religious support.
#10 MYTH: The wife needs to forgive quicker so she and her husband can move on.
TRUTH: The quickest way for the wife to heal is to feel validated and heard. Telling her to forgive before she is ready will cause more damage and traumatization. She needs time and space to heal. The Savior is the only one who can tell her when it is time.
#11 MYTH: Reading scriptures and praying more will give you enough strength to never look at pornography again.
TRUTH: Praying and reading scriptures are a very important part of recovery. Recovery also entails working a program like the 12-steps, dispelling shame, learning about your emotional triggers, accountability, and outside support (i.e. bishop, mentor, sponsor, counselor)
#12 MYTH: Church leadership never struggle with pornography
TRUTH: Anyone can struggle with pornography. It is no respecter of persons.
#13 MYTH: If an addict really loved his wife/God/family/etc, he wouldn’t act out
TRUTH: Addiction numbs the feelings in an individual. Though they may think they feel love, they struggle to feel any emotion. Addiction numbers emotion and when someone is acting act, it can be described as a “foggy” feeling. Often, addicts are not capable of feeling true love until they have had over 90 days of sobriety and are implementing tools to help them get in tune with emotions again.
#14 MYTH: Forgiveness equals full restoration of trust and affection.
TRUTH: Trust and forgiveness are separate. You can forgive someone without trusting them. Trust cannot be restore, only rebuilt. That takes many small experiences over a long period of time. It cannot be forced or rushed. Trust is earned back with sobriety, recovery, and transparency, little by little, line upon line.
#15 MYTH: Sobriety equals recovery.
TRUTH: Sobriety is not recovery. Sobriety is simply not acting out. Recovery digs to the root of the problem. It rewires the brain and helps the addict heal many other unhealthy behaviors that protected the addiction.
#16 MYTH: The addict is only addicted to pornography.
TRUTH: The addict is addicted to lust and there are a myriad of ways to get a lust “hit” without ever looking at pictures or watching a video. Part of recovery is to learn to recognize the lustful thoughts, urges, and actions, and then replacing them with healthier ways of seeing the world.
#17 MYTH: He’s been sober for a year, so his wife should be fine.
TRUTH: Often the wife’s world is so globally shattered, it can take a long time to be “fine.” She has her own healing journey and recovery work. Often the spouses of addicts will have developed unhealthy behaviors to justify/cope with the cognitive dissonance through the years. This can be compounded if there are childhood abuse/trauma issues underneath.
#18 MYTH: There has been no acting out for the last year, so he should now be recovered
TRUTH: While we celebrate each day of sobriety, true recovery from addiction can take 3-5 years. Recovery includes working a program like the 12-steps, dispelling shame, learning about your emotional triggers, accountability, and outside support (i.e. bishop, mentor, sponsor, counselor). Another measure of time for recovery is averaging out about two months for every year in addiction. Depending on the addict’s personal history, this number can increase greatly, but this gives a general idea of what to expect.
#19 MYTH: The wife thinks it’s his problem, she doesn’t need any help.
TRUTH: Each wife needs help. Many times she has used coping mechanisms to live with an addict without knowing it. The more information she can learn, the more empowered she will become to protect her family. Three relationships need to heal. The man. The woman. The marriage.
#20 MYTH: Women don’t need boundaries. They need to just give unconditional love.
TRUTH: Boundaries, done right, are to keep her safe from his erratic and often emotionally (in some cases physically) abusive behaviors. To give love without condition or boundaries often enables the addiction to continue.
#21 MYTH: Addiction is only self-destructive.
TRUTH: Addiction is destructive to all in its wake -spouse, children, parents, and friends. We need to be sensitive to all of the victims.
#22 MYTH: The wife can somehow help fix the addiction.
TRUTH: Only the atonement has power to fix or save anyone. It is unfair to put this responsibility on the shoulders of anyone but the addict. There are many resources that can help the addict (bishops, mentors, sponsors, and counselors). A wife’s role is to be a wife, not a recovery coach/mentor/therapist/sponsor.
His addiction is not his wife’s fault. Some women feel that it is. Others feel shame and guilt, even though she logically knows it’s not her fault. In counseling women, it is recommended to focus on their relationship with their Savior, not their relationship with their husband.
#23 MYTH: If the husband and wife’s marriage is struggling, get them into marriage therapy.
TRUTH: The first year after disclosure of sexual misbehaviors is usually focused on individual healing. Doing couples therapy too soon often is re-traumatizing to the wife, and causes unnecessary pain to both partners. A trained addiction/betrayal trauma therapist can evaluate each relationship to help determine the best path for them.
#24 MYTH: Everyone looks happy and fine. They must be doing okay.
TRUTH: Everyone handles trauma differently. The only way you will know what they need is to interview them individually and sincerely ask. Stopping someone in the hall is not a safe way for them to open up.
#25 MYTH: A church leader’s role is to to counsel the couple to help them find healing.
TRUTH: Betrayal trauma and addiction recovery work is a difficult form of counseling, even for professionals. Therapists who are not properly trained, can cause greater damage to individuals and relationships. A good religious leader will offer spiritual support and guidance, and will assist in finding additional trained support for counseling.
Article written by Alana Gordon, MFT, WORTH Program Director
